THE HAPPY NOODLE MOVIE!!
by Rachel C
Summary: **3/20/02: CHAPTER 4 UPLOADED** Nny writes and directs his first movie, starring everyone's favorite insane stick figure. It's pretty bad, trust me!! -_-
1. THE ALIENS!! THEY HAVE POWERS YOU CAN ON...

[SCENE: Office. There is a man at the table, and Nny is on the other side.] 

Man: I have great news, Johnny. We're going to make your movie!   
Johnny: Really?   
Man: Of course! Just sign here, and it will be final! 

[The man hands Johnny a contract, which he looks over carefully, then signs and hands it back.] 

Man: Well, it's final. Congratulations are in order!   
Johnny: Thanks... life's finally starting to look up for me. 

[Johnny gets up and turns to leave.] 

Man: I'm sure this movie will be success! It's so different, so... wacky. 

[Johnny stops and gets that look.] 

Johnny: What did you say?   
Man: I said it's wacky! Positively, completely wacky! 

[Johnny gets a sudden twitch in his eye. We cut to the door outside.] 

Man: (from within) AHHHHHH!! OH GOD!! OH GOD, NO!!   
Johnny: (from within) THAT'S NOT WACKY!! THIS IS WACKY!! BEHOLD THE WACKY!! WACKY, WACKY, WACK-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 

[A secretary sitting at the desk looks severely disturbed as she swallows and loosens her collar. Two men waiting are staring at the door with wide, frightened-y eyes.]   
  


THE HAPPY NOODLE MOVIE!!   
By Rachel C   
  


[SCENE: Not in a grocery store, but rather in a shopping mall, we see a store called "Cool Stuff". There's a sign in the window reading, "We have stuff!" and another reading, "Buy our stuff!" We pan inside and see Happy Noodle Boy, reading a magazine. The credits roll through this part.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Sean Connery... [narrows eyes] I eat your eyeballs in mocking! You are like wee little ferret compared to my great butt god! You will dance with the cockroaches by midnight! Eat my toast! [throws magazine down] Where is the can I help you sir!? There is always a can I help you sir!? 

[An attendant comes up to him.] 

Attendant: Can I help you, sir? 

Happy Noodle Boy: NO! I deny your help! Your help is worthless to my eye-scrawlingly lucious mouse fetus! 

Attendant: But I- 

Happy Noodle Boy: No! It has to be this way. I will always love you. 

[We cut to outside. Two security guards throw Happy Noodle Boy out on his ass. Happy Noodle Boy runs back to the window and smacks himself up against it.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Noooooooooooooo! Denied my safe haven! My precious womb of fragility taken from me! How cruel a world this is! 

[Attendant comes up to the door and places a sign with Happy Noodle Boy's picture on it. It reads, "BANNED".] 

Happy Noodle Boy: You dare to steal my likeness!? You are like skateboard company of doom! Return to your ungodly hell! GWAG! 

[Happy Noodle Boy kicks their door and walks off down the corridor. As he passes by each store, we see they all have signs stating that he's banned from them.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Is there no twinkie in this world for the people!? My rights stripped from me like so many howler monkey craps! 

[Happy Noodle Boy reaches a fountain and stands on it.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: My fellow gravy pigs! Heed my words! This day is a most pelvic-smelling day! Is there no justice for the juicy sweetness of the people!? Why must we continually be ridden to our pizza box-littered homes!? We demand our rights! Cease your denial! I am thrusting my butt to the monkey's face. Oh, how he cries for his squirrel mother! 

[We cut to the outside of the mall and see two security guards throwing Happy Noodle Boy out on his ass. Happy Noodle Boy runs back towards the door shreiking unhumanly, only to find another banned sign on it.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Oh, cruel anchovie! How you mock my attempt to drink of your cheese drink! Why, anchovie, why? All I want is cheesy sip... I demand a cheesy sip! If I do not receive cheesy sip, I will blow up your pie! 

[Happy Noodle Boy grunts and walks off down the street. Suddenly, a light shines down on him.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: [looks up] Toot? 

[The light pulls him up into a UFO... AGAIN! We cut to the inside where he has just arrived in a silver room. He blinks a few times, then screams at the top of his lungs. An alien enters - stereotypically drawn, long green head, big black eyes, scrawny body, etc.] 

Alien: What is that horrible noise coming from its mouth!? 

[Another alien enters.] 

Alien 2: It must be some form of self-defense. 

[Happy Noodle Boy stops screaming, looks at them, then starts again. He gets up and runs around the circular room several times.] 

Alien: What the hell is it doing? 

[Alien 2 shrugs.] 

Alien: [addressing Happy Noodle Boy] Please cease that! We mean you no harm. 

[Happy Noodle Boy stops, blinks, and then runs to the alien and clings to him.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: I strangle your nub! 

[Happy Noodle Boy squeezes the alien as hard as possible.] 

Alien: Augh! Get it off me! 

Alien 2: I will stop this insanity. 

[Alien 2 gives Happy Noodle Boy a shot of tranquilizer and he falls to the ground limply.] 

Alien: What the hell is this thing? 

Alien 2: It appears to be some primitive life form... its sanity appears dangerously lacking. 

Alien: Yes, it does. Perhaps we should study its mind. 

Alien 2: Excellent idea! 

[Alien picks up Happy Noodle Boy's arms while Alien 2 takes his feet, and they carry him out of the room.] 

[SCENE: Lab. Happy Noodle Boy is strapped to a slightly angled table and odd wires are attached to his head. He is still unconscious. Alien 2 points at a screen.] 

Alien 2: Now, this screen will allow us to view everything that this... being... is thinking about. 

Alien: Excellent. I will turn on the machine. 

[Alien presses a button and the screen turns on. We see Happy Noodle Boy standing in a plain white screen. He blinks and begins to pick his nose.] 

Alien: Most... uninteresting. 

[Suddenly, a giant pack of Mentos is lowered right above Happy Noodle Boy. He looks up and gasps.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: FRESHMAKER!! 

[Happy Noodle Boy jumps up and grabs onto the pack. He sits on top of it and it flies off.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: We must journey to a far away laxative empire! The princess is in the toilet! 

[The Mentos turn upside down and Happy Noodle Boy begins to fall.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Augh! You have defeated my zombie chicken dance! 

[As he falls, a hypnotic spiral begins to surround him. Things are spinning in the spiral along with him - faces of celebrities, Mentos, butts, monkeys, squeezy cheese, and many other things. Happy Noodle Boy falls for a bit longer and then falls in a gigantic glass.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: How dare you touch my accordion monkey! 

[He stands up and jumps up and down.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: I must escape this pit of glucose extract before mine eyes are turned to lactate! 

[The glass is picked up by a giant hand.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Eat my dishwasher! 

[The glass is lifted to a giant mouth. Happy Noodle Boy looks up and sees it is Sean Connery.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Sean Connery! I should not have doubted your tree branch! You are truly the leafy incarnate! 

[Sean Connery opens his mouth and swallows Happy Noodle Boy, who plummets down his throat and into his stomach, landing on a hot dog that is floating in stomach acid.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Saved at last by the migty frankfurter! I sail on the SS Nitrate! 

[Happy Noodle Boy sails around the stomach for quite some time. He soon floats by an M&M and picks it up.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Alas, I dub thee M. I fear I must be Tom Hanks. 

[Happy Noodle Boy hugs "M".] 

Happy Noodle Boy: I loves you. 

[Suddenly, there's a sound of flushing as everything is sucked out of the stomach. As he is sucked down, Happy Noodle Boy loses his grip on "M".] 

Happy Noodle Boy: M! You are a traitorous enema! You dare to thrust your candy-coated chocolate self! Melt in my hand, thy bastard! 

[Happy Noodle Boy falls out into a large toilet.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: I am pooh! 

[He climbs out before Sean Connery can flush it. He jumps down from the seat and stands on the floor.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: I eat the goose. 

[Back to the aliens... Alien 2 shuts off the machine.] 

Alien 2: I am... disturbed. 

Alien: I agree. Let's just put the implants in and drop him somewhere. 

Alien 2: Do you suppose we should place a sanity balancer in his head? 

Alien: A sanity balancer? Are you sure that's a good idea? 

Alien 2: It will make him normal. 

Alien: But maybe he's supposed to be this way. It may benefit this planet's nature somehow. 

Alien 2: How can this madness possibly be beneficial? 

Alien: I don't know if it's wise, though... what if something goes wrong? 

Alien 2: Nothing will go wrong! Relax! 

Alien: Well... all right. But I still don't think it's a good idea. 

Alien 2: Your objection is duly noted. 

[They lay the table flat and take out surgical tools.] 

[SCENE: Field. Happy Noodle Boy falls from the sky with a loud thud. He slowly opens his eyes and sits up, then glances around.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Where am I? What's happened? 

[He slowly stands up.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: I can't remember a thing... I was just walking along the street, and then this light came... and now I feel all... different. 

[Happy Noodle Boy blinks a few times and begins to walk off, then stops.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: [hesitates] Whatever's different... it sucks. 

TO BE CONTINUED!! 


	2. HAIL TO THE CHEIF!! THE MONKEY SHAWL, IT...

AND THE HAPPY NOODLE MOVIE CONTINUES!! YOU ARE SO HAPPY!! 

[Happy Noodle Boy is walking up the street, glaring at everyone he passes oddly. A short man comes up to him with a flyer.] 

Man: Hello sir! Read about how Jesus loves you unconditionally! 

[Happy Noodle Boy takes the flyer and looks at it.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: What is this? [glares at the man] Who advertises for religion? How do you know that you're only handing this to Christians? What if you give it to a Jew or a Muslim? They could find this offensive. Religions aren't something that you should hand out propaganda about. 

[The man stares at him. A woman standing nearby walks up.] 

Woman: Hey! The noodle thing's making sense for once! I agree with him! 

[A boy comes over.] 

Boy: Spooky noodle, I think you should run for president! You're smart! 

Happy Noodle Boy: President, huh? Hmm… 

[SCENE: Living room. A family is watching TV. We see the screen, and a presidential debate is on. There's a politician at one podium, and Happy Noodle Boy at the other.] 

Moderator: Mr. Noodle Boy, don't you think your inexperience should be taken into consideration? You haven't had any political work in the past, how can you be president?   
Happy Noodle Boy: Moderator, sir, I think my inexperience should definitely be taken into consideration. I think we need something new; a president who has the concerns of the common people on his mind, not the upper class. Politicians are too money-driven these days. Someone who hasn't been corrupted by our shady government would make a great president… one people can relate to. 

[The politician is banging his head on the podium. A spinning newspaper comes at ya.] 

Headline: HAPPY NOODLE BOY WOWS AT DEBATE! 

[Another!] 

Headline: HAPPY NOODLE BOY WINS PRIMARY! 

[And another!] 

Headline: HAPPY NOODLE BOY LEADING IN POLLS! 

[And yet another!] 

Headline: HAPPY NOODLE BOY REVEALS SQUEEZY CHEESE SCANDAL! 

[And a last!] 

Headline: HAPPY NOODLE BOY DISCOVERS MIRACLE LAXATIVE! 

[SCENE: Voting booths. We see ballot after ballot going in, indicating Happy Noodle Boy as the popular choice, and Sean Connery as runner up. Spinning newspaper!] 

Headline: HAPPY NOODLE BOY WINS!   
Smaller Text: SEAN CONNERY DANCES WITH COCKROACHES. 

[SCENE: Oval office. Happy Noodle Boy is sitting at the desk, staring into space.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: What am I supposed to do now?? 

[He begins scratching his head.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: What's been up with my head? Ever since that alien thing… 

[A Secret Service agent enters.] 

Agent: Mr. President, I have grave news!   
Happy Noodle Boy: What is it?   
Agent: A rebel group is wreaking havoc in California, and it seems the mayor will be overthrown. The radicals have begun making threats to the federal government…   
Happy Noodle Boy: This is horrible!   
Agent: I know, sir. What should we do?   
Happy Noodle Boy: Send additional police to keep violence to a minimum. Keep an eye on this, and if the state government falls, we'll have no choice but to intervene…   
Agent: Yes, sir! 

[The secret service agent leaves. Happy Noodle Boy continues to scratch his head.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Damn it, I've got to do something about this! 

[Happy Noodle Boy pulls a small pole out of his desk drawer and scratches his head for a while, until we see a tiny little piece of machinery fling away. He sighs in relief, putting the pole down. Slowly, his tongue sticks out of his mouth, and he gets that angry look. He pulls Squeezy Cheese out of the drawer and begins sucking it out of the bottle. The Secret Service Agent returns.] 

Agent: Mr. President! 

[Happy Noodle Boy looks up at him.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: BRING ME MY MONKEY!! 

[The Secret Service Agent blinks, then leaves and returns with a stuffed monkey, who looks much like the Scary Monkey. (From IZ)] 

Agent: Um… this, sir? 

[Happy Noodle Boy snatches it from him.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: MONKEY!! I miss you so! [sniffs] You stink of digestion of pork! You are fit only for the dance now! 

[Happy Noodle Boy jumps onto the desk and kicks one leg into the air above his head, then drops the monkey and steps on it several times. He then squats like a dog and puts the monkey in his mouth, shaking his head violently.] 

Agent: Uhh… California's in trouble… 

[Happy Noodle Boy holds the monkey's body in his hands and the head in his mouth, then pulls and rips them apart.] 

Agent: …the mayor's been assassinated… 

[Happy Noodle Boy spits the head across the room, then begins to pull the stuffing out of the body with both hands, sending it flying.] 

Agent: …and the rebels have taken over. What should we do? 

[Happy Noodle Boy ties the empty body around his neck, then gets off the desk and stares at the Agent.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: BOMBS! 

[He grabs the Agent by the collar.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: Use your magical boom-y technology! We can poke them until they cry for their sponges!   
Agent: Uh, sir, you're going to bomb our own territory?   
Happy Noodle Boy: You doubt my mystic powers!? 

[Happy Noodle Boy thrusts the Agent back against the wall.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: WHO SENT YOU!? Have you come to sabotage my beanie baby!?   
Agent: Uhh…   
Happy Noodle Boy: DO NOT SPEAK! You must leave this place.   
Agent: What?   
Happy Noodle Boy: It is not safe for your kitty here! You must run!   
Agent: Sir, I-   
Happy Noodle Boy: SILENCE! Run while you can, before the tacos get you! THE TACOS! THE TACOOOOOOS!!! 

[The Agent leaves rather quickly.] 

Happy Noodle Boy: I fear the boy band is on to me… I must hide my shipments!! 

[Happy Noodle Boy begins thrusting giant crates into the desk.] 

TO BE CONTINUED!! 


	3. NOODLE BOY TO THE RESCUE!! HE WEARS SHOR...

WAH! MORE HNB GOODNESS!! TOO MUCH WRITING!! ARMS… LIKE… NOODLES!!

(Serious A/N: I have writer's block, so this part really sucks. It's really bad, seriously. So… yeah. Sorry it's late, too.)

[SCENE: California. People are fighting and stuff.]

Rebel Fighter: Down with the government!

Rebel Fighter 2: Take this, you corrupt capitalist pigs!

[RF2 throws a grenade at the army. A woman and her daughter are seen running away from the fighting, and they hide behind a building.]

Girl: Mom, why are they after us?

Woman: Because they think that daddy wasn't a good mayor, honey.

Girl: But all they're doing is killing people. Is that what they think is right?

Woman: That's the way things always are. Don't worry, I'm going to contact the president.

Girl: Yay.

[The woman pulls out a cell phone and dials.]

[SCENE: Oval Office. Happy Noodle Boy is not seen anywhere. The door opens and that Agent guy enters.]

Agent: Mr. President?

[Slow pan over the area. HNB does not appear to be there.]

Agent: …um… President Noodle Boy??

[A single hair, sticking up slightly, and flopping off to one side, rises behind the Agent, who is looking left and right. Suddenly, two stick arms fling out and grab him. He screams and gets out of the grasp, jumping back. HNB is there, glaring at him. He slams the door.]

Happy Noodle Boy: WHO SENT YOU!?

Agent: Sir… I have an update on the California situation.

Happy Noodle Boy: WHO TOLD YOU!? HOW MUCH DO YOU KNOW!?

[Happy Noodle Boy runs behind the desk and hides, his head sticking out.]

Happy Noodle Boy: Are they on to my shipment!?

Agent: Sir?

Happy Noodle Boy: ARE THEY ON TO MY SHIPMENT!?

[Happy Noodle Boy takes a crate out of the desk and throws it at the Agent.]

Agent: AUGH!

[Agent falls over. Happy Noodle Boy jumps up on the desk and throws his arms to his sides in anguish.]

Happy Noodle Boy: AUUUUUGH!!

[He jumps down and kneels next to Agent.]

Happy Noodle Boy: I told you to run! The tacos! They have claimed you! HOW MANY MORE, TACOS!? HOW MANY MORE!?

[He jumps to his feet.]

Happy Noodle Boy: YOU WILL BE AVENGED!!

Voice: [faintly] …hello?

[Happy Noodle Boy drops to his feet and picks up Agent in his arms, putting his ear – er, side of his circular head thing – to Agent's butt.]

Happy Noodle Boy: I hears you! Say it again, Booty, say it again!!

Voice: [faintly, sounding confused] President Noodle?

Happy Noodle Boy: I will revive you!!

[Happy Noodle Boy begins to jump on Agent's chest.]

Voice: [still faint, damn it!] President Noodle, are you there?

[Happy Noodle Boy looks down and sees the cell phone in Agent's hand.]

Happy Noodle Boy: TRICKERY!! You foul beast! Eat the shipment!!

[Happy Noodle Boy shoves the crate that killed Agent into his mouth, then picks up the phone.]

Happy Noodle Boy: …pooh?

Voice: President Noodle, is that you!?

Happy Noodle Boy: WHO WANTS TO KNOW!?

Voice: This is Mrs. Ellie, my husband was the mayor of California before the rebellion…

Happy Noodle Boy: Mrs. Ellie! There is perfume in your toilet! I dub it Constipation by Alvin Swine!! FEAR MY JEANS!!

Voice: Is this some sort of military code?

Happy Noodle Boy: We must do the secret club dance!

Voice: Listen, you have to get to California right away! People are being massacred all over the streets!! It's Hell!

Happy Noodle Boy: GIFT CARD!? Get real presents next year! I will defend your right to gift!! I am on my way!

[Happy Noodle Boy drops the phone and runs out of the office.]

Voice: …hello? President Noodle?

[SCENE: Air Force One. Happy Noodle Boy is sitting in his chair when a stewardess comes to him.]

Stewardess: Mr. President, would you like something to eat or drink?

Happy Noodle Boy: Squeezy Cheese.

Stewardess: Um… I don't believe I have any, sir.

Happy Noodle Boy: WHAT!? Blasphemy! You dare not stock the squeezyfulness!? YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY QUIVERY JELLO MOLD!! Defy my fruit filling! BANJO! BANJO! DON'T PLAY THAT DAMN BANJO!

[Happy Noodle Boy picks up the stewardess and turns her upside down, banging her head on the floor several times, then runs into the cockpit.]

Happy Noodle Boy: YOU! Flying peoples! Where is my Squeezy Cheese!?

[They do not answer him.]

Happy Noodle Boy: I will go gangsta!

[Happy Noodle Boy puts on a large chain with a dollar sign on it..]

Happy Noodle Boy: YO! Where my Squeezy Cheese at, bi-aaatch!? I'm one bad muthafucka, don't start nuthin wit' me, yo! FOO'!

Copilot: Mr. President, sir, could you please return to your seat? We'll see if we can get you some Squeezy Cheese right away.

Happy Noodle Boy: The seat is unworthy! The cheese! The cheese! I cry for my creamy lactose!

[A stewardess – not the first one – comes and grabs Happy Noodle Boy, dragging him out of the cockpit.]

Copilot: Hey there, Jerry… I've been thinking this a lot lately… this country's going down the shit hole, isn't it?

Pilot: It sure is, Bob. It sure is.

[SCENE: Runway. The plane lands. Happy Noodle Boy comes out, surrounded by secret service. They lead him to a podium, where the media is waiting.]

Happy Noodle Boy: Behold my sticky glory! Spork! Who has the spork?

[A secret service agent hands Happy Noodle Boy a spork.]

Happy Noodle Boy: The flatware. It is your god. Ask it all you need to know.

[Happy Noodle Boy holds the spork at the microphone.]

Reporter: Mr. President, what action will you take to defend democracy in California?

Happy Noodle Boy: ASK THE SPORK!

Reporter: Um… Spork, what action will be taken to defend democracy in California?

[There is silence. After a few moments, Happy Noodle Boy nods thoughtfully.]

Happy Noodle Boy: Next question!!

[The reporters exchange glances.]

Other Reporter: Spork, who can be blamed for this? Is there anything that could have been done to prevent this?

[Happy Noodle Boy looks down at the spork. More silence. After a while, he gets angry.]

Happy Noodle Boy: BLAME ME?! YOU PLASTIC FOOL!! MY AMAZING BUTT GLORY IS TOO MUCH FOR YOU!! I AM SO BOOTYLICIOUS!!

[Happy Noodle Boy throws the spork to the ground.]

Happy Noodle Boy: That is all!! Now I shall poke eyeballs for these anus* crimes!!

(* = not a typo, as in anus was the intended word, not heinous)

[Happy Noodle Boy runs off and everyone stares after him, secret service included.]

[SCENE: Battlefield. Happy Noodle Boy runs up behind the rebels.]

Happy Noodle Boy: YOU!! DO NOT DENY THE POWER!! I MUST SHOW THE WORLD, I AM BOOTYLICIOUS!! WHO WEARS SHORT SHORTS!?

[The Rebels turn and stare at him. He narrows his eyes at them.]

Happy Noodle Boy: I know who is behind this!! Tell them to show their poo poo kissy poo faces!!

Rebel Fighter: Yeah, and what if we don't!?

Happy Noodle Boy: BOMB!!!

[Happy Noodle Boy points up and we see a bomber circling. RF whispers to a person next to him, and he then takes out a cell phone and talks for a few minutes. He turns back to HNB.]

Rebel Fighter 3: Fine. They will meet you tomorrow, at City Hall. No reporters, no police, no army. Until then, a cease-fire is requested.

[Happy Noodle Boy nods, then runs to the middle of the battlefield.]

Happy Noodle Boy: CEASE FIRE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!!

[The armies disperse and he is left alone.]

Happy Noodle Boy: Ha! Now I put an end to the girly doom force, and protect my shipment!

To be continued!!


	4. THE GIRLY DOOM FORCE REVEALED!! JE PARLE...

 BEHOLD!! NOODLEY JOY! YOU WORSHIP MY CAT!!

(A/N: This chapter sucks immensely. You people do not even want to know the kind of writer's block I had with this thing. Hope ya enjoy anyway… most of you were crazy enough to enjoy the first three parts. ^_^)

[SCENE: A dark room. Five chairs are at a long table, with a huge window behind them, so that we can only see silhouettes of the darkly cloaked, hooded people sitting in them. A rebel soldier enters.]

Soldier: My lords.

[The soldier bows. The figure in the middle gestures for him to rise and he does.]

Figure's Voice: What news have you come with?

Soldier: We have spoken with President Noodle. The meeting time is set for noon.

Figure's Voice: Excellent. It's time to execute our main objective. Let's go.

[SCENE: City hall. Happy Noodle Boy is waiting, alone. Suddenly, a black limo pulls up. He jumps on top of it.]

Happy Noodle Boy: GIRLY DOOM FORCE!! Come out and face the cheesecake rain!

[The door opens and forth step five black cloaked and hooded figures, their face in shadow.]

Happy Noodle Boy: GAH!! The evil has come!

[Noodle Boy stands on top of the limo and points down at them furiously.]

(A/N: Translations will be in Italics below the spoken line. As a bonus, this chapter has a French lesson at the end!!)

Happy Noodle Boy: Il y a un pingouin dans la cuisine! Il chante au sujet des sous-vêtements de mon père!

_There is a penguin in the kitchen! He sings about my father's undergarments!_

[The figures stand in puzzled silence.]

Happy Noodle Boy: Les omelettes de fromage attaquent! Ils dévoreront tous nos coeurs avec de la sauce crémeuse!

_The cheese omelettes are attacking! They will devour all our hearts with cream sauce!_

Figure: I see you haven't changed, Noodley one.

Happy Noodle Boy: Vous ferez face à la puissance impressionnante de mes fesses!

_You will face the awesome power of my buttocks!_

Another Figure: You will not scare us with your French, President Noodle! Now face your doom like a man!

Happy Noodle Boy: Vous parlez au sujet de la masculinité, quand vous êtes puer l'mauvaise odeur de fille? Vous dégoûtez mes os pelviens!

You speak about masculinity when you stink of the girl reek? You disgust my pelvic bones!

Third Figure: That's it! Ready, guys? Let's show him what we're made of!

Happy Noodle Boy: (narrows eyes) It is time to kiss the monkey.

(NSYNC, all in exact unison, put their arms out at their sides with their elbows bent outwards, kneel down on one leg, and twist their torsos slightly to the right, then rush to attack.)

Happy Noodle Boy: Je suis le seigneur des aubergines! Je rassemble le tissu de toilette!

_I am the lord of eggplants! I collect toilet tissue!_

(Happy Noodle Boy flips off the car, sending two of the interchangeable ones crashing into another and falling backwards, unconscious.)

JC: That's it! Time for the best attack of all!

  
Justin: You mean… ?

JC: Yes! Squeal of doom!

(The remaining three – Justin, JC, and… one of those other guys. What's their name? Chris. That's one of them, right? Well, anyway. The remaining three break into one high-pitched girly note, whining on for a very long time.)

Happy Noodle Boy: Je suis une cuillère! Je suis une cuillère! Oh, écureuils mauvais, cessent votre cri perçant!

_I am a spoon! I am a spoon! Oh, evil squirrel, cease your piercing cry!_

(JC, Justin and Chris suddenly stop and attack HNB head-on.)

Happy Noodle Boy: Je ne veux pas danser avec votre oncle Bob!

_I do not want to dance with your uncle Bob!_

(JC punches him in the face, Justin grabs his arm and twists it, and Chris kicks him in the gut. HNB falls over.)

Happy Noodle Boy: Defeated… defeated by the girly doom force!

(The boy band members surround Happy Noodle Boy's head, and glare down at him, grinning widely. HNB's head rolls to the side, his gaze mindlessly on Justin's feet.)

Happy Noodle Boy: J'aime vos chaussures.

I like your shoes.

(HNB passes out. JC goes to stomp on his head, when all of a sudden.)

Voice off-screen: HEY!

(The three turn their heads rapidly and there stand… The Backstreet Boys!)

JC: What do YOU want!?

Nick: We've got a score to settle with you, NSYNC!

Justin: Bring it, douche bags!!

(The boy bands charge at each other and a bloodbath ensues. Chris steps back and blows a whistle.)

Chris: Troops of Evil assemble!!

(IRS agents come forth, with NSYNC logos on their suit jackets.)

Agent: I've got an audit with your name on it, bi-yaaaaaatch!

(Howie steps back and blows a whistle.)

Howie: We are MORE evil! Troops of greater evil assemble!

(Thus come forth legions of cheerleaders, with Backstreet Boys logos on their tops.)

Cheerleaders: Rah! Rah! Goooooooooooooo Backstreet Boys!!

(The Cheerleaders and IRS agents clash. Happy Noodle Boy slowly awakens and sees the evil forces clashing.)

  
Happy Noodle Boy: NOOOOOO! SUCH DISGUSTING PIG VOMIT MY EYES HAVE NEVER BEHELD!!

(He rises.)

Happy Noodle Boy: THE WORLD MUST BE RID OF THEIR EAR WAX MOUNTAINS!!! (pauses) I will lick their copper plated baby diapers…

(Happy Noodle Boy makes fists and brings them in towards his chest roughly, frowning and squinting his eyes hard. Slowly, a thick, green, icky smoke blob starts to float around him, his one floppy hair goes straight up and turns bright yellow, and his eyes glow bright blue-green.)

Happy Noodle Boy: FEAST ON MY DELICIOUS FROZEN TREATS!!!

(All turn to see him with the disgusting green blob cloud and their jaws drop.)

TO BE CONTINUED!!

***HEY KIDS!!***

NOW YOU CAN BE COOL AND AMUSE YOUR FRIENDS BY SPEAKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE!! EVERYTHING IS FUNNY IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE, EVEN RACHEL C'S WRITING!!

NOW YOU CAN LEARN ALL THE FRENCH THAT HAPPY NOODLE BOY USES IN THIS STORY!!

WOW!! YOU'RE GOING TO WET YOURSELF OUT OF JOY!!

Il y a un pingouin dans la cuisine! Il chante au sujet des sous-vêtements de mon père!

There is a penguin in the kitchen! He sings about my father's undergarments!

Les omelettes de fromage attaquent! Ils dévoreront tous nos coeurs avec de la sauce crémeuse!

The cheese omelettes are attacking! They will devour all our hearts with cream sauce!

Vous ferez face à la puissance impressionnante de mes fesses!

You will face the awesome power of my buttocks!

Vous parlez au sujet de la masculinité, quand vous êtes puer l'mauvaise odeur de fille? Vous dégoûtez mes os pelviens!

You speak about masculinity when you stink of the girl reek? You disgust my pelvic bones!

Je suis le seigneur des aubergines! Je rassemble le tissu de toilette!

I am the lord of eggplants! I collect toilet tissue!

Je suis une cuillère! Je suis une cuillère! Oh, écureuils mauvais, cessent votre cri perçant!

I am a spoon! I am a spoon! Oh, evil squirrel, cease your piercing cry!

Je ne veux pas danser avec votre oncle Bob!

I do not want to dance with your uncle Bob!

J'aime vos chaussures.

I like your shoes.


End file.
